“Nicholi-a, makin’ copaays’”. Beaming with pride, she paused with her mouth open and her eyebrows raised, allowing me time to process the joke before continuing, “The Copimeister”. Unable to smile or offer any other response, I just sat frozen in my chair. As embarrassed as I was for her, I was equally annoyed. Annoyed that... Continue Reading →
How Do You Poop?
I have always found it odd that if you are a man and work in a corporate environment, you will, on average, listen to another man take a shit on a daily basis. It is virtually unavoidable. You aren’t trying to hear someone use the can and would certainly prefer not to, but given the... Continue Reading →
A Non-comprehensive List of the Douche Bags at a Gym Near You Volume: 2
Leaves-His-Shit-All-Over-the-Locker-Room Guy: I think at some point we have all been guilty of walking into a bathroom, disrobing and leaving a trail of scattered clothing behind us as we make our way into the shower. In regard to those of us with a degree of common decency, this occurs at our homes, in our own... Continue Reading →
The First Week
Starting a new job is miserable. Not as miserable as the panicked desperation of unemployment, but, it is distinguishably awful in its own right. The awkward unfamiliarity of a new job creates a unique brand of misery not found anywhere else. For starters, you are all but worthless, as you require some degree of hand... Continue Reading →
In the Right Place at the Right Time
“Hey, right place at the right time, huh?” the Gubber said, flashing his toothy grin as he reached to shake my hand. “Apparently so,” I replied, forcing a smile as I tossed up my free hand in an awkward attempt to mimic surprise. I guess that’s what I was doing. It was my first day... Continue Reading →
An End: Part 2
On the following Thursday, I followed typical interview-day protocol. I arrived early, but not too early. I was cordial with the receptionist, but wasn’t overly fake or hokey. I tried to look relaxed and self-assured, without looking like a dick. Shortly after 9am, I met the lady with whom I’d had the phone interview. She... Continue Reading →
An End: Part 1
A few weeks ago I applied to an internal job posting for an Analyst position in the downtown office. It was a position for which I was qualified and was something more in line with the type of job I’d been seeking a year and a half ago when this whole saga began. In fact,... Continue Reading →
Checking Your Work
“My moms already has a bank account, so I don’t need nuthin’,” DeLeonard informed me. “Yeah, but, you can have your own account. That way you wouldn’t need your mom to get money out for you,” I countered. “It’s cool. She don’t mind,” he said, turning away to check his phone. To that I offered... Continue Reading →
Migration
This morning David called Sonya and I into his office to discuss a new initiative that was being handed down from management. Each branch was to begin a project which would identify its respective Level 1 customers and target them as private banking candidates. It was our job to then reach out to these “candidates”... Continue Reading →
Halloween
“You could be Kung Fu Panda,” Thomas proclaimed. “I could be what?,” I asked after catching only the first few syllables. “You could be Kung Fu Panda,” he restated with even more pleasure. “What is Kung Fu Panda?,” I asked only because social norms required it of me. Ignoring him completely would have broken one... Continue Reading →
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