The “Walk You Around the Office”

My most recent meeting, in what feels like an endless circuit, was this past Friday. My weekend was set to begin as soon as this meeting concluded and based on the body language of the gentleman I was meeting with, I assumed he was about to punch out as well. Evidently I overestimated his desire to call it a week because as we stood, shook hands and proceeded to over thank each other for this rather meaningless meeting, he uttered a line I have come to absolutely dread. With a new-found excitement as though the idea had never previously entered his mind, he blurted out, “Before you go, let me walk you around the office.” I instinctively faked a smile and replied, “That would be great.”

A “walk you around the office” is not great. If you have worked in an office for more than six months, you have most likely witnessed or played some part in a “walk you around the office”. However, for those that are not familiar with the procedure, the “walk you around the office” is exactly what it sounds like. It is when someone in your office, typically a senior level employee, parades a person around like the host of a lame party and awkwardly introduces him to various members of the office work force. The unfortunate bastard being escorted around can have one of several different roles: interviewee, supplier, salesman, etc. For the most part, the outsider is soliciting something and the lame party host thinks highly enough of these advances that he is willing to provide him the small courtesy of walking him around the office.

The truth of the matter is that the party host is performing a kind act. He is typically a busy person and has other things he could be doing, however, he is taking an extra few minutes to help you spread your name around. Also, while he may not be offering you a job, buying your product, etc, he is showing you a small form of acceptance. It is very similar to how Johnny Carson would decide whether to invite a comedian to sit down at the end of the Tonight Show based on how well he liked his act. If the party host enjoys your song and dance enough, he’ll reward you with a round of introductions. A “walk you around the office” is in fact a positive thing, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that it is down right torturous.

Based on my personal experience, there are at least three rules of thumb that hold true for nearly any “walk around the office”. Now obviously not all of these will occur 100% of the time, but you would be surprised. Also, as many of you have been gainfully employed for quite sometime, it may have been a while since you were given a tour of an office. Regardless, the next time you play the role of walkie or as a simple bystander, at least one, if not all, of these three rules will apply.

1. The party host will say the words, “It appears to be a little empty in here today because _____________.”

This sentence will be completed by any number of reasons, most of which make no real sense. Common reasons given to explain the office vacancy are:

– “it’s Monday. You know how people get on Mondays.”
– “it’s Friday. You know how people get on Fridays during the summer.”
– “it’s the last week of summer and a lot of people are on vacation before their kids go back to school”.
– “School just started back and a lot people are at their kids practices.”

Depending on the time of day, you will be told some reason for why there are not many people around the office. My theory on why the office is always bare is explained through rule number 2.

2. No one wants to meet you.

The real reason that the office appears empty is because everyone got up when they heard you coming. They are currently in the bathroom, getting coffee or just walking around so that they can avoid the awkward introduction the party host was about to subject them to. The people who could not act swiftly enough are now faking phone calls and giving a fake wave and smile as if to say, “really sorry I can’t speak with you, but as you can see, I am on the phone.” The difference in the people who get up and leave and those faking phone calls is typically age. The old, wily company veterans no longer have the energy to take a trip around the office and will typically just fake a phone call. Also, they do not want to waste the time involved with getting up, something their younger colleagues have no problem with.

If there is anything that can be considered enjoyable about the “walk you around the office” it occurs around this time when the party host is looking for victims to thrust you upon. This is when the “skip-over” occurs. The whole idea of the “walk you around the office” is for you to meet the big dogs or at least those with the potential to be big dogs. The catch here is that no one worth a shit feels like meeting you while the only employs chomping at the bit for an introduction are typically those the party host has deemed “not worth meeting” and thus they receive a “skip-over”. There is something painfully hilarious about the party host sizing up an employee’s value on the spot, deciding he or she unworthy and then smiling and proceeding on. Quite often it is the admins, assistants and marketing department; positions that are typically held by females. They hear you coming, get excited that someone is going to speak with them and offer a genuinely inviting smile. If you are lucky, the party host is one of those guys that can still recall the days when it was acceptable to smack the ass of a secretary, not an admin, while he announced he was heading to the shitter. Therefore it doesn’t cross his mind to introduce you to these women. He just responds to their large smiles with a look of confusion, a subtle “Rose, don’t you have some scanning to do” smile and then proceeds to “skip-over” them as he continues his round of introductions. The women’s smile quickly fades as they are once again reminded of where they stand.

3. No conversation last more than 25 seconds and is therefore superficial, painful and pointless for both parties involved.

Inevitably, there will be a few employs that were not able to hide and thus you will be forced to have a very uncomfortable meeting. The meeting will consist of the person standing up, the two of you shaking hands and exchanging names, the party host stating why you are here, and then the two of you leaving but only after you explain to this person how nice it was to meet him (for 25 seconds). The conversation will look something like this:

Party Host: “Hey Bob, I want you to meet someone.”

Bob: (internal dialogue): “FUCK!”

Me: “Bob, Nic Voto, nice to meet you”
Me: (internal dialogue) “Yep Nic, nice firm hand shake, that will really show ‘em you mean business.”

Bob: “Hey, Bob Bobson”
Bob: (internal dialogue): “I’ve already forgotten your name”.

Party Host: “Nic just moved up here from ________ where he was working at ______________ and I was just showing him around the office”.

Bob: “Great. Well, it was nice meeting you”.
Bob: (internal dialogue): “Go Away”.

Me: “Thanks Bob, it was really nice meeting you as well”
Me: (internal dialogue): “And time. 23.4 seconds. Oh yeah!”

As my party host walks me to the lobby, I glance back and notice the sea of empty cubicles we just left is steadily refilling. While we thank each other for the fourth time, he asks the receptionist to validate my parking stub. He doesn’t bother introducing us, although unbeknownst to him, the receptionist and I shook hands and said our names aloud earlier. In the elevator I start to think about the weekend that has just started. Tomorrow night we have an engagement party to go to. It will be a lot like what I just did. While there will be a full house, no guys will want to meet me nor will I want to meet them. The introductions will be short and the information exchanged will be forgotten as soon as it is received. I am already dreading the “walk you around the party” I will have to participate in, but at least we’ll be drinking.