A Non-comprehensive List of the Douche Bags at a Gym Near You

Works-out-with-his-girlfriend guy:

This could actually be titled “makes-his-girlfriend-work-out-with-him guy”, because more often than not, it’s the women who appears embarrassed by the situation. Just for clarification, I am not referring to anyone who goes to the gym with a girlfriend or even shows a girlfriend how to do a certain exercise. No, I am referring to the douche that has his girlfriend go through his entire routine with him. Also, you will notice that this couple very rarely talks. My guess is that he is probably a psycho control freak and this is the only way she is allowed to go to the gym. However, she is strictly forbidden to look at any other males.

Glove-wearing guy:

Not to brag or anything, but I have lifted weights a few times and I can vouch that there is no part of lifting and maneuvering weights that damages your hands. Not even remotely. Unless part of your routine involves taking batting practice, there is nothing that would ever necessitate the usage of protective hand wear. This would be on par with wearing a wet suit while surfing in the Gulf of Mexico. This guy is usually new to the whole process of working out and is a bit insecure about being in the weight room. He is particularly nervous that his inexperience will be obvious to other gym goers. So, he ironically wears gloves in order to blend within his new surroundings.

Sleeveless-shirt guy:

Few things are more amusing than the gym guys that have determined their arms can no longer withstand the constraint applied by an average t-shirt sleeve’s circumference. If you don’t have defined arms, you simply look like a fool. You are basically wearing the arm equivalent of a belly shirt and it is unbecoming. If you do have ripped arms, you are just showing off and you look cheesy and/or gay. If you are gay, then maybe other gay guys like that, I’m not sure. However, if you not gay but just cheesy, you should probably try to be less cheesy. Generally speaking, cheesy isn’t a good look.

Fake-wipes-his-mouth-with-shirt-to-check-out-his-abs-in-the-mirror guy:

“Hey pal, they look great. Everyone assumed you had great abs due to your ripped arms that your sleeveless shirt reveals. Also, you are so coy. Why, I am sure plenty of girls saw you innocently wipe nothing from your face while they were already secretly admiring you and got the added bonus of seeing that washboard of yours. Oh you sly, sly devil. Your plan worked perfectly”.

Doesn’t-understand-it’s-6:30-on-a-weeknight-and-the-place-is-packed-to-capacity guy:

This is the dip shit who insist on doing “super sets” and “burn-outs” and whatever other buzz word workout he learned in Men’s Fitness at the most crowded time of the day and thus takes up 4 sets of dumbbells. Yeah, it probably is a good workout…to be tried in your personal gym where no else is waiting. Wait, what? You don’t have a personal gym? Exactly, Asshole! It’s a public gym. Quit being a fucking dick and stop hogging shit.

Lifts-the-largest-dumbbells-but-doesn’t-re-stack-the-weight guy:

This is the asshole who slowly grabs the 105 lbs dumbbells one at a time and sets them on the bench. This is all done deliberately slow so that everyone notices just how much weight this freak of nature is about to lift. After demonstrating his might, this asshole then puts the dumbbells on the ground, and proceeds to roll them over to and under the rack. He will spend 5 minutes posturing with the damn things, but then he is too fucking good to put them back in their place. Later on after closing, the poor guy that cleans the bathroom has to come over and give himself a hernia trying re-stack Magnus’s weights.

Does-his-ab-workout-in-the-sauna guy:

For some reason this cunt thinks it’s a good idea to finish up his workout with some crunches in the sauna…where he is wearing a towel (at best)…and there are other dudes sitting next to him. Apparently he didn’t get the memo about how guys don’t like to watch other guys gyrate their pelvis and grunt in a small, 115 degree wooden room. Listen motherfucker, when you enter the locker room, your workout is done. That means no stretching, no push-ups and especially no fucking crunches in the already-awkward-sweaty-half-naked sauna.

Gay-guy-who-tries-to-be-subtle-while-he-watches-you-change guy:

“Look, I’m a dude just like you. I have been looking down shirts and up skirts since I was 9 years old, same as every other breathing male on the planet. I know all the tricks so trust me, you aren’t fooling anyone. Stop trying to look at my cock. And don’t look at me smugly when you glance at my crotch and see my hand giving you the finger”.

The-gym-is-where-she-shines chick:

This is probably the most prevalent of all gym douche bags. One could easily point out several chicks that fill this role, but every gym typically has one that out shines her rivals; she is the Queen Bee. She was blessed with a good body, which she has shaped to near perfection due to countless hours logged on treadmills, ellipticals and various weight classes. She is there when you arrive and stays long after you leave. She knows everyone there and has the work ethic of a 1920’s coal miner. She sounds great…except that she sucks. For starters, she is typically ugly, or at best, stripper-hot. On the weekends, the only attention she gets is from wasted bar hoppers who assume she is slutty based on her tube top and half pound of make-up. She leads the league in number of times she has given out her number but was never actually called. Any normal guy, when sober, sees her for the joke that she is. And such is her life, a lot of disappointment in the man department…except at the gym. The gym is where she shines. The gym is all she has. One must remember that in the gym, there exists a completely different breed of the male species and social environment all its own. Up is down and left is right and few rules from the outside world apply. Many of the male regulars wear sleeveless shirts and they are just the types who give this Queen Bee the attention she so desperately craves. That’s why she spends every spare hour working out. The gym is her safe haven where she is appreciated for her body and mindlessness and nothing else, and that’s the way she likes it.

Wears-a-hat-when-she-works-out chick:

Every gym has one of these chicks. She is a lot like the Queen Bee described above, except she is usually hotter. She possess many of the same insecurities, but to a lesser degree. What she may lack in body is made up for by a better looking face. All around, her looks would receive a solid B rating. However, just like the Queen Bee, she sucks. She has figured out just the right amount of make-up and the right outfits to present her looks to her absolute best. Also, she will usually work out in pants, year round. These outfits, however, are never complete without her signature hat. Somewhere along the way she decided or was told that “she looked cute in a hat”. These words have apparently stuck, because every night you can find her going through her routine with a big ‘ol smile on her face and her hat pulled down just above her eyes. Trust me, she’ll be there tonight.

Wears-tight-Under-Armor-shirts guy:

You know who looks bad-ass in skin-tight polyester? Terrell Owens and Jervon Kearse. You know who doesn’t? Normal people. But apparently this super-jock didn’t get the memo. I don’t know if he is delusional and thinks he looks cool or is delusional and thinks his killer workout requires the sweat-wicking abilities of Nike Dry Fit. And sadly, most of the time this guy isn’t that big or muscular. Instead, he is just an average shaped guy who decided that in order to look like someone who works out, he needed to wear tight, stretchy shirts.