HH Gregg:
“My fridge is broke and we cain’t keep nothing cold. You have no idea how miserable it is to not be able to have anything cold”. That was the Buffoon’s slogan during the week in which his refrigerator broke. He complained about it as if the city had decided he could no longer purchase electricity and was forced to live off the grid.
“I got that fridge at HH Gregg, so I called ‘em and told ‘em they better get someone over there to fix, ‘cause they don’t want me comin’ down there”. The Buffoon often makes this threat about just about anything. He threatens to “come down there” as if he’s going to show up with a bomb strapped to his chest, when in reality he’s is going to walk in the store and complain to some 20-year-old who makes $9 an hour and couldn’t give two shits about the issue.
“You watch. HH Gregg is going pay for this. I know how to hustle”. The Buffoon loves to brag about how he can hustle, and by hustle he means bitch about things most people simply ignore so that he can weasel his bill down on a certain product or service. He thinks it demonstrates his “street smarts” when it actually demonstrates what an obnoxious asshole he can be.
“I waited for five hours for that guy from HH Gregg to come and he never showed up”. No shit asshole. We know exactly how long it was because you essentially took the day off to deal with it. Somehow scheduling a repair man became a justifiable reason for you to take the day off. You literally didn’t work yesterday because of your fucking refrigerator problem. And on top of that, it didn’t even get fixed, so you’ll most likely do it again.
“I fine-lly I told ‘em, you all need to get some one over here. We have spent a lot of money at your store and deserve better service. Once I said that, they had someone over that afternoon. It ended up costing $300 ‘cause the warranty was expired. It should have actually cost more, but I started raising hell”. First of all, by “a lot of money” he simply means that he bought his fridge there. Secondly, his fridge was six years old. While we can all agree that, yes, a fridge shouldn’t break within six years, no one would really expect a warranty to last that long. So ultimately, he paid $300 to have an over-priced repair guy from a retail store come out and fix his refrigerator. This fiasco lasted five days and the Buffoon missed the equivalent of one and a half work days to deal with it. The true victim of this tale is HH Gregg, which is now forever labeled with a scarlet “Fat Buffoon” in my mind’s eye, as the retail appliance center for moronic bozos.
Eddie Bauer Explorer:
On my first day at this job, I was in the break room with the Buffoon, listening to him ramble while we both looked out the window. He noticed the vehicle which was clearly mine and asked a few arbitrary questions concerning its age and my satisfaction with it. He then quickly segued into mentioning his own automobile, the Eddie Bauer Explorer that was out in the lot. Not just an Explorer mind you, but an Eddie Bauer Explorer. I’m not sure if Eddie Bauer still exists, however, I do remember a time when it was a prominent store in most suburban shopping malls.
I’ve never been briefed on what the brand “Eddie Bauer” added to an Explorer, but I imagine that at the time, it seemed like a good idea. However, in the year 2010, Eddie Bauer has, at least in my eyes, lost some of its luster. I can’t even fully remember what Eddie Bauer clothing was like, but I think had something to do with Fall, perhaps including a lot of sweaters and flannel. Regardless, the idea of a car being more or less sponsored by Eddie Bauer makes as much sense as having a Gap microwave. It is such a dated reference that it has no relevance to most people and makes little sense to those who can still remember the brand. Nonetheless, that doesn’t stop the Buffoon from talking about it as if it were his son who attends an Ivy League school.
“Yes sir, young William really is enjoying his first year at Brown. He’s pre-med!”, would be said with the same tone and excitement as the Buffoon proclaims, “Yeah, I drive an Explorer. It’s one of the Eddie Bauer Editions! I’ve had it about 5 years.”
Regardless of where I am, I can’t look at an Explorer the same. Each one I pass on the interstate is carrying another fat buffoon to his lazy destination. The same would go for an Eddie Bauer store, though, I am yet to see one since I first met the Buffoon.
Reebok:
“Do you wear Reebok?”, he asked me.
“What?”, I replied as dully as possible.
“Reebok…like the shoes and stuff? Well, they got other things to. Do you ever go to that store over there?”, he continued.
“Um, no. What store? I didn’t know they had stores?”, I answered quite honestly.
“Yeah, they got stores. There’s one over there by that medical center”, he informed me.
“Well, no, I don’t shop there”, I said, oddly curious now. “Why?”
“I got a $50 Reebok gift card. I’ll sell it to ya’ for $45”, he answered all giddy-eyed, anticipating a successful deal.
“Uh, no thanks, I don’t really think that is something I’d use”.
“Well if ya’ went in there and bought somethin’, you’d automatically be savin’ $5”, he countered, as if I hadn’t understood that part of the deal.
“Yeah, I got that. But, my point is that I wouldn’t get anything”.
“Well have ya’ ever been in the store?”
“No, I still haven’t”.
“Well you should at least go in there and see. A lot of people your age shop there”.
“Why don’t you just use it then?”
“I already went in there and there weren’t anything I wonted’”
“So you didn’t see anything worth buying, but now you are trying to tell me that lots of people my age shop there and that I would probably find something I liked, so I should take you up on this discounted gift card offer”. At this point I was just seeing how far I could wind him into this ridiculous conversation.
“They. Have. Younger. Clothes” he emphasized to me. “I was just trying to give you a good deal if you wanted to go over and see if you liked anything”.
“To which I already replied, ‘No thank you’”.
“Well, I didn’t know if you’d even thought about it”.
“I’ve now thought about it and I am still not interested”.
“OK, fine. Why do you always want to make things so difficult?”
And with that final question, he retreated back to his office. I had nothing against Reebok prior to that day. However, after that one exchange with the Buffoon, in which Reebok was the helpless victim, I don’t think will ever be able to bring myself to step foot in one of Reebok’s retail locations should I ever come across one at an outlet or dilapidated, strip mall.
Chapps / Nautica:
“What kinda dress shirts do you wear?”, the Buffoon randomly asked.
“Uh, I guess I have several different ones”, I replied.
“No, I mean like, what brand?”, he said, annoyed I wasn’t on his wave length.
“That’s what I meant. I have several different brands of dress shirts”, I replied louder than normal, letting him know that I understood him the first time.
“Do you ever shop over at the TJ Max? They’ve got some good dress shirts”, he informed me.
“No, I guess I’ve never looked for dress shirts there”, I said hurriedly. Seeing as this happens on a regular basis, I knew where this was going. The Buffoon loves to work up a conversation so that he can then drop in the true topic he wants to discuss, as opposed to just saying it. I know this all too well, so when the situation arises, I try to hurry through all the initial crap as fast as possible so that we can ultimately end the conversation that much sooner.
“I was over there the other day ‘cause I was lookin’ for a phone charger. I cain’t find mine, but I think I left it at the beach the other week. So, now I can only charge my phone in my car. That is jus’ wearing me out”, he said and then paused. It was apparent he’d forgotten what in the hell he was talking about and I definitely wasn’t going to remind him. He just looked at me dumbly as I looked back uninterested. He then slowly rotate his gaze upward as if he were inspecting the ceiling for something. This pause lasted a good 30 seconds. Unfortunately, he regained his train of thought and started back, “But, while I was there I noticed their dress shirts, and they’ve got some GOOD dress shirts. They had like, Chapps and that Nautica brand. You ever wear those? Those are pretty good. I think Polo makes Chapps”.
“Uh, I know those brands but I don’t have any of those shirts”.
“Wail’, you should go look at ‘em. What kinda is that one you got own’ now?”
“I think it’s Brooks Brothers. I like the wrinkle-free ones that you can just throw in the washing machine”, I volleyed back.
“Yeah, I don’t know if the Chapps or Nautica are wrinkle-free. They might be”, he proclaimed. Of course they fucking might be. Anything might be anything you dumb ass. He continued, “I need to get me some of those wrinkle free ‘cause the dry cleaners is jus’ wearing me out. He told me the other day that he wouldn’t do my shirts for the regular price anymore ‘cause they are too big. He said he’d have to charge me more from now on to do my shirts”.
Holy shit. As if this man wasn’t already a complete clown in my mind. I keep thinking that there is nothing more he could say that would make him seem like a bigger buffoon than he already is, but lo and behold he keeps spewing out new shit that advances his doofusness to a greater level. He just told me that the dry cleaner is now going to charge him more because his shirts are so big.
I continued to nod and pretended through my remaining lines of the conversation, all the while struggling to contain my laughter at what he’d just told me. As is typical, he rambled on for a few more minutes, still about the fantastic shirts at TJ Max, before trailing off and retreating to his office. The lasting impression of the conversation was naturally his fatness and that I now associate it with Chapps and Nautica. I still laugh whenever I see something with one of those names on it and a few times have had to explain myself when a set of seemingly random shirts has set me off in a Costco or Marshalls. I will never be able to own anything made by either Chapps or Nautica, though that’s really not that big an issue. Those brands will always have plenty of business from the Buffoon and those like him.
wastedcrescendo.com 
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