Leaves-His-Shit-All-Over-the-Locker-Room Guy:
I think at some point we have all been guilty of walking into a bathroom, disrobing and leaving a trail of scattered clothing behind us as we make our way into the shower. In regard to those of us with a degree of common decency, this occurs at our homes, in our own bathrooms. For some assholes, however, this takes place in a public locker room. These are typically the same guys who enter the locker room talking on their phones and basically ignoring any other measures of social decorum by which the rest of us generally abide. Post workout, this douche bag comes in, opens his locker and empties the majority of its contents onto the floor and bench in the immediate area. He then strips off his clothing, adds those items to the pile and heads off to the steam room, shower, shitter, etc. He’ll be gone for 20 minutes, while his shit is in the way of the three lockers on each side of his, causing the occupants of those lockers to maneuver around his sweaty Under Armor outfit. He thinks this is what you do in a locker room and can’t be bothered to respect other people’s space. He is also, most definitely, the asshole you work with who will routinely discuss his latest workouts in the break room.
Gravity-Boots Guy:
Gravity boots? Seriously, gravity boots? There are not many things more ridiculous than seeing 30-something Johnny Gym-goer using fucking gravity boots, especially during a gym’s weekday evening rush hour. For starters, the sheer mechanics necessary to use gravity boots make them a terrible idea for approximately 99.99999% of all individuals who exercise. One doesn’t have to look too hard to see the relative risk-reward imbalance involved with the process. The act of hanging from a bar, swinging your feet above your head, hooking said gravity boots to the overhead bar and hanging upside down is a pretty simple way to cripple yourself. Secondly, this is all done for what reason? So that you can then do inverted crunches? So let me get this straight, you have so mastered the standard crunch, along with all other ground level abdominal exercises, that the only way you can properly train your midsection is to hang upside down like a vampire and perform your crunches? The use of gravity boots is on par with a douche bag celebrity purchasing a monster truck and then driving it to the grocery store. Mr. Boots sole motivation is to show off and sadly, the highlight of his day is the ego boost he gets from thinking other gym-goers perceive him as “advanced” in his workouts. Keep it up big guy, we are all noticing and I promise, no one is laughing at you.
Lucky-Hot-Body Girl:
This chick has a good body. She knows she has a good body. She wears cute outfits that show off this body. Thing is, she was born that way. There are some girls who are just lucky. They are typically taller, and haven’t yet had their womanly weight set in. Their boobs are bigger than average and look good on their slim frame. They have thin legs, though they contain little actual muscle. Obviously there is nothing wrong with any of this, except that they think they have played some role in developing this good body. The reason you know this is because you rarely see them at the gym and when you do, it’s clear they don’t really know what they are doing. For any of us losers who frequent a gym, you begin to recognize the familiar faces. This is especially true for guys when it comes to cute girls. There aren’t too many attractive girls who work out regularly that haven’t caught the attention of the regular guys. No one is hitting on anyone or being obnoxious. You just notice them. A small nicety that you get to briefly view as you walk to the water fountain. The Lucky-Hot-Body girl is familiar to most regulars, but barely. That’s because she isn’t there much, because believe me, we’d remember. This girl only shows up on occasion. She arrives knowing she looks good in her Lululemon pants, does next to nothing for 25 minutes and then goes home and eats fattening food. The other girls probably hate her. She is one of the lucky ones. But don’t tell her, she doesn’t know yet.
Ridiculously-Loud-Headphones Guy:
Most of us wear headphones at the gym. In fact, headphones are so common and have been common for such a long time, that no one considers why we have headphones. At some point in time, prior to the invention of headphones or personal music devices, everyone had to listen to the same music which had to be played from a central source. It didn’t take long for everyone to realize how fucking annoying that was. I’m sure people often said, “This music fucking sucks. I wish I didn’t have to listen to this shit”. However, following the advent of personal music devices and headphones, statements like these were rarely ever heard. Fast forward to the present, where we all walk around with miniature computers strapped to our bodies and headphones that project orchestra quality sound through portals smaller than a thimble. Now, everyone listens to whatever they please. That is, everyone except for those folks around Ridiculously-Loud-Headphones Guy. This little shit can actually be found in many places outside the gym, but regardless of where he is, his methods are the same. Be it on an elevator, airplane or at the gym, this douche bag insists on playing his music as loud as possible, to the point that it can easily be heard by all those around him. In the same way some dipshits sag their pants or refuse to crease the bill of baseball hat, this guy demonstrates his rebellion by annoying the shit out of everyone else with the droning noise resonating from his headphones. He will typically act out parts of the music as well because he is just that hard of a motherfucker. It doesn’t suffice that the cussing in his music can be heard by everyone around him, he also needs to gyrate along with said lyrics, to demonstrate just how energized this music gets him. As annoying as he is, do not, and I mean DO NOT say anything to him. This guy is one tough 17-year-old who should not be taken lightly.
Can-I-Work-In Guy:
Look, most of the time, there is nothing wrong with asking someone if you can work-in while they use a piece of equipment. After all, he is resting in between sets so it only makes sense that you could be using the equipment while he takes a break. However, there are a few basic conditions that must be present for this to work. First, you need to be doing the same exercise as the other guy, or at least something very similar. Secondly, your sets need to take approximately the same amount of time as those of the guy you are working in with. Can-I-Work-In Guy doesn’t understand either of these things and probably wouldn’t understand even if you explained it to him. He is the same guy who blocks traffic through an entire green light when he realizes he is in the wrong lane and needs to get over. He is the same guy who parks his Mercedes across two parking spaces that are a little too close to the front of the lot. This guy will frequently request to work-in with you, typically in a scoffing manner as if to say, “I’m going to actually use this equipment while you are just sitting there”. He then changes out the handles on the cable machine you are on, rearranges the position of the bench you are using or proceeds to perform the latest “super-set” exercise he’s read about in Men’s Fitness. He pays no attention to the fact that you are holding a stopwatch and only taking 20 second rests. He will stack additional plates onto the bar, pause to adjust his workout gloves or simply linger on the machine as though he just bought it. Your best defense is to naively suggest that you have just three quick sets and then will be out of his hair. He won’t have an immediate response. Continue on while giving him an obnoxious smile.
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