How Do You Poop?

I have always found it odd that if you are a man and work in a corporate environment, you will, on average, listen to another man take a shit on a daily basis. It is virtually unavoidable. You aren’t trying to hear someone use the can and would certainly prefer not to, but given the fact that you work in an office building and share a bathroom with at least a dozen or so other men, the law of averages dictates that each day you will be in that bathroom when one of those other men is taking a shit. What is nearly as odd is just how normal this has become to so many of us. It has become normal to use the bathroom while listening to another man grunt and fart his way through a bowel movement.

This daily treat is experienced through one of two scenarios, depending on the order in which you and the shitter enter the facilities. On the occasions when you arrive first, the defecators entrance and greeting are uniquely odd. Following his arrival, there is an unaddressed awkwardness as the two of you acknowledge each other, but you realize he isn’t going to the other urinal, prompting you to cease all further communication. Anyone going to take a shit prays no one else is in the restroom, not because he is embarrassed or has stage fright, but simply because it’s more comfortable to shit alone. As the non-shitter, you get the hint almost immediately. He gives you that abbreviated nod and makes a direct line towards his destination. There is no chit-chat about work or any joke about what he is doing. It is clear to all why he is there and it is better that no one discuss it. Then as the non-shitter, you feel like an asshole for being there since you know your comrade would prefer you leave him to his business. You finish and wash your hands as quickly as possible, knowing he is holding back, waiting for the moment he is alone.

The alternative scenario involves you walking in on a shitter who finishing up. I’ve found that in these moments, there are two distinct camps, those who wait and those who don’t. I am a waiter. I prefer to let the pisser finish, wash up and leave before I exit the stall. I don’t know why. I’m not ashamed of what I’ve been doing, I just prefer to come out of the stall with dignity. That’s why I find the other camp, the shameless exiters, so odd. As strange as it is when a co-worker comes in behind you to use a stall, it’s even stranger when he exits one while you are in the bathroom. It’s somewhat of a power move, as though he is aggressively saying, “Yeah I was in there, taking a big ‘ole shit. I’m the one responsible for the smell in here and I ain’t ashamed one bit.” There is no joking, nor any commenting about what he was doing. You simply act as if it hadn’t happened, even though you are secretly looking at him as though he just ate something he found on the street. Never mind the fact that you will be using that stall within the next two hours, at that moment, you are superior to this shitting heathen. Of course, there is also the embarrassed exiter. He comes out and almost acts surprised that someone else is in the restroom. He doesn’t show the nonchalance or bravado as most exiters. Instead, he dips his head and wishes he’d remained in the stall until you were gone and you are curious as to why he didn’t.